The Speech

2 of my biggest fears are mice and speaking in front of people. I realize these are impractical, but I HATE when people use this information against me. I can’t stand the sight of a mouse, a picture, even a cartoon mouse grosses me out. I love the movie enchanted, but I close my eyes during the mouse part. But the Cinderella mice are ok because they where cloths and walk upright, and their tails are like stings.

I hate speaking in front of people in any situation. I just got called to be a sunbeam teacher a few months ago and I was pretty nervous the first couple weeks. It helps that they don’t really listen.

Well, the guys at work like to use this information against me. I blame Troy (my brother, also my boss). Well back in December right before our Christmas party I was told by a co-worker Cameron (he would be like the Darrel of the office) that Greg (HR) and D (owner) wanted me to give a speech at our Christmas party. So I immediately called Greg to find out what was going on. He had said that because I was employee of the year last year that they wanted me to give a speech on being employee of the year. And I was like, no. But then he was like well you have to because then it will mess up the whole program if you don’t. And then we had like a 10 minute conversation about how I can’t give speeches and it would just be horrible. I was about 95% sure it was just a joke because I could hear Greg trying not to laugh. But there was still that 5% that I wasn’t sure. And Greg asked for a rough draft to be emailed to him by the end of the day. I thought about just writing up something funny, but then I remembered I can’t really write. And then I tried to think of some funny speeches that I might be able to find online. And then I remembered the funniest speech of all. Dwight’s speech from the office. I printed it out just in case they were going to make me do something. And they did. It was all just a joke, but they made me give the speech anyway. And after I was done Greg was like “oh, you didn’t have to do that”.

Well, it’s a funny speech, and I t would have been funnier if I could have done it with a straight face, and if I knew how to pronounce the word “acquiesce”.

Here it is, enjoy! (I added a couple more fist bangs)

BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation - which everyone finds during the day - how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war the war of work but from the moment as a child, when we realize the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bang's fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. WE ARE WARRIORS! [applause] Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight gives a horrible sounding laugh] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesman and women of the world... unite. We must never acquiesce, for it is together... TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND...FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL!

Oh, and for the white elephant gift exchange I ended up with a mouse trap!